from now on, i fill the page, i choose.
still tryin to wrap my mind around that concept.
someone recently told me, it's like being a broken statue... and as you pick up each piece, you can look at it and decide... "do i like that piece of me? do i want it to be a part of me from now on?"
but how do you choose, when you have never been allowed to make a choice? how do you switch off the fear of retribution if you make the "wrong" choice?
creating new neuropath ways... learning that not everything is dangerous... gonna take time, but i will keep working at it cause i want things to change, i want to be happy. i want to not be afraid all the time, every day.
trying to explain the feelings to someone is hard, because if they have never experienced it, they have no way to understand... it's not like other stuff, it's not like... oh i cut my finger and it hurt like this... how do you explain that seeing a coffee cup sitting on a counter sends you into immediate terror... or why you freak out completely when someone breaks a rule... or why you stop at a signal far enough behind someone so that you can get your car out, never driving in a center lane, and always checking the curbs to make sure if your car could get over it?
and that's just the very itsy bitsy tippy top of the tip of the iceburg... so much damage.
but with time, i know it will get better. God preserved me. God kept me alive. He has a purpose in my life, and i am gonna do my part so He can fulfill that purpose.
