Wednesday, July 18, 2012

hurts to my bones

sometimes, i hurt to my bones. not from a physical ailment at these times...
i ache for wot i have never had. the arms of someone who truly loves me encircling me.
so much was stolen, so many years, my hope, my trust, me.
but times like this i only sit and hope for the day when i have love. when a man loves me, the way it should be... all ways and always.
i can't even explain how deep the hurt is. it was easier when i was numb. when i didn't feel anything.
easier, not better.
just waiting for one of us to die, not caring which one it was, me or him. because there was no hope.
and then the night i got out, when i was really planning on dying. and then i wanted to live... but i still didn't have hope. i waited for him to come and kill me.
then i started to wake up, out of the emotional coma... i don't know how to have emotions, they come out all crooked and bent.
i am terrified to be happy.. because if i cared about something, anything, or started to get happy, it got taken away, broken, crushed, stomped down, extinguished. so if i start to feel happiness, i panic, it is overwhelming.
so to not feel... was easier, not better.
thats why to have hope... for me... is a wow... cause as i think it.. and especially as i type it, even tho no one will read this... is terrifying.


Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul, 
And sings the tune without the words, 
And never stops at all

- emily dickinson