just sitting here thinking about last nite...
and i realized that whenever i do anything wrong... no matter big or small...
mis-read something, forget something, make a wrong turn while driving, add something up wrong... spill something... mess up in a for fun soccer game in a virtual world...
i go into immediate panic mode.
waiting for him to punish me, even tho he isn't here anymore, it was for so long that the reaction is automatic...
i start apologizing, and back away, physically, psychologically...
my friends must think i am such a loser... such a cry baby...
but it isn't about the current situation...
i felt myself cringing... hunching down... my stomach tied in knots, my skin went all prickly, i started trying to figure out how not to make it worse...
it puts me right back there... even right now, thinking about it, writing about it... its like he is standing over me with his fist poised...
i am always afraid to sleep, because i know the nightmares that will come... him dragging me off somewhere while other people look on without a clue that anything is wrong.
i feel so bad for people having to put up with me. i know it will get better, but while i'm working through it, i hope they all don't give up on me.
