well, its been a while.
haven't been strong enough to share for some time.
sometimes i get so into my own head i have to claw my way out.
when thoughts of things that happened crowd my consciousness and fog everything else out.
its a process, i know, working through and overriding the bad stuff.
sometimes i think i will never see a difference.
the few i have let in, let close, say they have seen improvement. and i trust them, so i know there must be some change.
but i am still always terrified. still always measuring my words before i say anything. i become exhausted trying to listen and formulate the right response at the same time.
still can't follow a conversation for long. tho i am good at interjecting appropriate responses. had a lot of practice at doing that. some people don't even know anything is wrong.
still don't really feel happiness. i'm afraid to.
the emotion that i do have is fear.
fear in the simplest things. fear having to call and report a problem in my apartment. fear that i am a bother. fear that friends will just finally say "she is so not worth this trouble."
i cry. when i am faced with conflict. when i have to stand up for myself. when i try to talk about what is going on inside.
i want to live. not just be alive. maybe its my impatience with myself that i am projecting on others. i just don't know.