tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38261908773903772872024-02-18T21:17:50.563-08:00forecast of rayneraynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-37279565530532011542014-07-09T18:22:00.001-07:002014-07-09T18:22:57.993-07:00long time no blog<span style="font-size: large;"><i>well, its been a while.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>haven't been strong enough to share for some time.</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>sometimes i get so into my own head i have to claw my way out.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>when thoughts of things that happened crowd my consciousness and fog everything else out.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>its a process, i know, working through and overriding the bad stuff.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>sometimes i think i will never see a difference.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>the few i have let in, let close, say they have seen improvement. and i trust them, so i know there must be some change.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>but i am still always terrified. still always measuring my words before i say anything. i become exhausted trying to listen and formulate the right response at the same time.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>still can't follow a conversation for long. tho i am good at interjecting appropriate responses. had a lot of practice at doing that. some people don't even know anything is wrong.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>still don't really feel happiness. i'm afraid to.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>the emotion that i do have is fear.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>fear in the simplest things. fear having to call and report a problem in my apartment. fear that i am a bother. fear that friends will just finally say "she is so not worth this trouble."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>i cry. when i am faced with conflict. when i have to stand up for myself. when i try to talk about what is going on inside.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>i want to live. not just be alive. maybe its my impatience with myself that i am projecting on others. i just don't know.</i></span>raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-29906139447773176622013-03-09T11:43:00.001-08:002013-03-09T11:43:26.722-08:00mistakes<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>just sitting here thinking about last nite...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>and i realized that whenever i do anything wrong... no matter big or small...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>mis-read something, forget something, make a wrong turn while driving, add something up wrong... spill something... mess up in a for fun soccer game in a virtual world...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i go into immediate panic mode.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>waiting for him to punish me, even tho he isn't here anymore, it was for so long that the reaction is automatic...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i start apologizing, and back away, physically, psychologically...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>my friends must think i am such a loser... such a cry baby...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>but it isn't about the current situation...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i felt myself cringing... hunching down... my stomach tied in knots, my skin went all prickly, i started trying to figure out how not to make it worse...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>it puts me right back there... even right now, thinking about it, writing about it... its like he is standing over me with his fist poised...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i am always afraid to sleep, because i know the nightmares that will come... him dragging me off somewhere while other people look on without a clue that anything is wrong.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i feel so bad for people having to put up with me. i know it will get better, but while i'm working through it, i hope they all don't give up on me.</i></span><br />
<br />raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-11959459600973784942012-12-11T11:14:00.002-08:002012-12-11T11:14:18.555-08:00a life stolen<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>he didn't love me</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i was a possession</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>he stole my life, my freedom (physical, emotional and psychological)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>he robbed me of love i should have had, should have felt</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>he made everything that should have been beautiful into something ugly</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i am out now, but the damage is so severe it will take a very long time to repair it even to the point where i will be able to give and receive love.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i don't even know wot a healthy relationship looks like... friendships, family...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i don't know how to be</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i could write down how they are, but to transfer that to an emotional level....</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i just am not able to do that.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>my emotions don't match the situations.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i see people who love each other</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>and it hurts so bad</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>because i never had that</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>and because it will be a long time until i am healthy enough to even consider it.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>i think somewhere below the fear is anger at wot was stolen from me...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>but the fear is still so much more</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>or maybe i just don't recognize the emotion for wot it is.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>not being allowed to show any emotions for so long, or having to fake something different...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>now the wrong ones come out, and i don't know how to fix it.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>prickly skin, stomach doing flip flops...</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-55311162208107668152012-11-16T00:55:00.000-08:002012-11-16T00:55:58.929-08:00why do i do that?<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">i still believe i'm not worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">so i push people away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">i get so scared when i start to care for someone, to think of them as a friend (even tho i am still not sure wot that is).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">the tapes start playing in my head...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"why would they want you for a friend, you have nothing to offer."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"they must be tired of you tagging along and hanging around by now."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"why would anyone want someone like you for a friend?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"they are just gonna dump you at the first chance they get."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">and it goes on and on...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">and my brain plays these tapes.. and then i follow thru with actions to push people away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">oh sure, some stick around for a while... but i manage to drive them off eventually.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">seems the more i want someone to stick around, the more scared i am that they really are just looking for a reason to leave... so i give them reasons.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">i want to skip to the end, i want to believe i am worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-44139516053073370842012-07-18T15:06:00.000-07:002012-07-18T15:09:21.192-07:00hurts to my bones<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>sometimes, i hurt to my bones. not from a physical ailment at these times...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i ache for wot i have never had. the arms of someone who truly loves me encircling me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>so much was stolen, so many years, my hope, my trust, me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>but times like this i only sit and hope for the day when i have love. when a man loves me, the way it should be... all ways and always.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i can't even explain how deep the hurt is. it was easier when i was numb. when i didn't feel anything.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>easier, not better.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>just waiting for one of us to die, not caring which one it was, me or him. because there was no hope.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>and then the night i got out, when i was really planning on dying. and then i wanted to live... but i still didn't have hope. i waited for him to come and kill me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>then i started to wake up, out of the emotional coma... i don't know how to have emotions, they come out all crooked and bent.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i am terrified to be happy.. because if i cared about something, anything, or started to get happy, it got taken away, broken, crushed, stomped down, extinguished. so if i start to feel happiness, i panic, it is overwhelming.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>so to not feel... was easier, not better.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>thats why to have hope... for me... is a wow... cause as i think it.. and especially as i type it, even tho no one will read this... is terrifying.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #8e7cc3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;">Hope is the thing with feathers </span><br style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;">That perches in the soul, </span><br style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;">And sings the tune without the words, </span><br style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;">And never stops at all</span>
</i></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 17.600000381469727px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #8e7cc3; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>- emily dickinson</i></span></span>raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-45821199492044062082012-06-29T21:19:00.005-07:002012-06-29T21:25:14.117-07:00wots up with that?<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>people must think i am totally maladjusted sometimes. i ask honest questions about friends, emotions... how to "be"... wot is a normal response ... </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i used to be so good at faking it. still am i guess, cause people think i am ok... i think... </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>but i don't know how to be natural, to respond or react, most of the time i "act", cause if i feel like someone is getting too close, or they are giving me that look that tells me wot i am saying is not quite "normal" i shut it down... like i used to.. the "every thing is fine" act... make sure no one asks questions.. let them feel comfortable and think i am ok, so they don't worry or get too curious.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>the thing is, i can't connect the act with feelings... i can't act and go "ok, this is how this feels, so this is how it should feel to be normal." because no feelings are attached to it. it's not happy, it's not sad, it's not anything.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i am so engaged in the act, in making sure there are no cracks in the shell, in making sure i have the "right" expression on my face, that i am making enough eye contact (this is sooo hard for me), that i am answering any comments or questions with the exact "right" answer. and so many other things going on inside, mostly anxiety and panic, i don't have time to "feel" anything.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>ughhh, i can't even explain it to myself... just trying to put words to it is ridiculous... falls so short of explaining all the things going on in my head that i have to deal with as i am trying to interact with people.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>it's terrifying</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i heard someone who had gone thru a traumatic experience say, 'i never knew wot it was like to be afraid."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i thought about that... i have thought about it since i heard it... for me....</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i don't remember wot it is like to not be afraid.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i am in a constant state of terror.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>some moments worse than others, but all the time, every day.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>always.. my stomach is flip flopping, my skin feels prickly, i have to make myself take deep breaths... and that is during the not worse times.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>in the worse times, i can't think... it is just terror... thru my whole body and mind.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>if i hear or witness conflict, fighting, someone yelling at someone else.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>if someone comes around a corner.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>if someone speaks suddenly</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>if i hear a door slam</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>hear a tone of voice</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>smell something</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>see a look on a face</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>hear a helicopter</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>forget to do something (ha! that is an all day every day thing)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>i started a list once, it covered two columns over half a page of notebook paper, college ruled, and that's just wot i thought of off the top of my head, and every day it seems, something else happens that i didn't realize was a trigger... its exhausting.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>so many things... every day</i></span><br />raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-56583379670059893292012-06-06T10:05:00.000-07:002012-06-06T10:05:40.587-07:00emotional junk mail raiding my inboxi have a few really amazing friends.<br />
they hang in there with me.<br />
but even tho they understand where my emotional garbage is coming from, they can't understand when i act how i do, and i know it throws them when it happens.<br />
their reactions are unique to the individual.<br />
one just acts like it's not happening.<br />
another thinks i am upset with them (even tho wot i am feeling is panic, fear, terror).<br />
because, in order to survive, i was not able to show true emotions (i had to put forth the ones that i knew were needed for that moment), i now have the wrong "emotions" attached to the wrong feelings that are inside.<br />
most times, i don't know wot it is i am feeling.<br />
i know people are like "what? how can you not, its just.. feelings, emotions... "<br />
i dunno... maybe they don't think that. but i know that when i feel something inside, almost every single person i deal with thinks i am feeling some other way by my words, actions, facial expression, etc. even those who know me best.<br />
when i look at one of those "how are you feeling" pages, with the different faces... most of the time i am not able to pick them. it confuses me. i sit there trying to match wot is inside me to wot i see. i wasn't supposed to look like wot i felt inside. it was too dangerous.<br />
if i am around people who don't really know me, like when i go out to the shops or appointments, i can put on the "act"... i did it for so many years, i am very good at it...<br />
don't make too much eye contact. respond. smile at the right time. say things that don't elicit more conversation, and certainly don't prompt any questions.<br />
be invisible.<br />
some days i can't pull it off tho. and lately, well, it seems like the harder i am trying to change the thinking in my brain (cognitive therapy), the worse i am at keeping that mask on.<br />
my dv advocate, and the psychologist i used to see, and the one i see now (cause i had to move), say that even if my abuser died today, i still will have the fears, the brainwashing, the distorted thoughts... they aren't going to just poof because he isn't alive and trying to find me to kill me anymore... it's going to take time, and work, to keep getting better.<br />
and so i keep working at it, and keep praying.<br />
and hoping i don't destroy the friendships i am building now. and maybe someday, i will be healthy enough to think about having a relationship with someone. but, that is in the future... for now... i just gotta do today.<br />
<br />raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3826190877390377287.post-17112110693447675612012-02-21T05:36:00.000-08:002012-02-21T05:36:39.165-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQchSewqvD2BreX8SlfUXlOy4nPaQG0Js1woFL46_HkGDi06vFKLBN7Zuo-L90hvbTX6CYLSC0CvXgsO1w4EShFdh1bvAmXp60OmlOF35BejAu6RT2TSdm8XlOx5F8SixNi0bcYD-nJkF/s1600/purpledoublehearts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQchSewqvD2BreX8SlfUXlOy4nPaQG0Js1woFL46_HkGDi06vFKLBN7Zuo-L90hvbTX6CYLSC0CvXgsO1w4EShFdh1bvAmXp60OmlOF35BejAu6RT2TSdm8XlOx5F8SixNi0bcYD-nJkF/s1600/purpledoublehearts.jpg" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">random.... yeah, that's me pretty much.... still workin on who i am.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">from now on, i fill the page, i choose.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">still tryin to wrap my mind around that concept.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">someone recently told me, it's like being a broken statue... and as you pick up each piece, you can look at it and decide... "do i like that piece of me? do i want it to be a part of me from now on?"</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">but how do you choose, when you have never been allowed to make a choice? how do you switch off the fear of retribution if you make the "wrong" choice?</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">creating new neuropath ways... learning that not everything is dangerous... gonna take time, but i will keep working at it cause i want things to change, i want to be happy. i want to not be afraid all the time, every day.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">trying to explain the feelings to someone is hard, because if they have never experienced it, they have no way to understand... it's not like other stuff, it's not like... oh i cut my finger and it hurt like this... how do you explain that seeing a coffee cup sitting on a counter sends you into immediate terror... or why you freak out completely when someone breaks a rule... or why you stop at a signal far enough behind someone so that you can get your car out, never driving in a center lane, and always checking the curbs to make sure if your car could get over it?</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">and that's just the very itsy bitsy tippy top of the tip of the iceburg... so much damage.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: #ead1dc;">but with time, i know it will get better. God preserved me. God kept me alive. He has a purpose in my life, and i am gonna do my part so He can fulfill that purpose.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>raynehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04288342741140267020noreply@blogger.com0