emotional junk mail raiding my inbox

i have a few really amazing friends.
they hang in there with me.
but even tho they understand where my emotional garbage is coming from, they can't understand when i act how i do, and i know it throws them when it happens.
their reactions are unique to the individual.
one just acts like it's not happening.
another thinks i am upset with them (even tho wot i am feeling is panic, fear, terror).
because, in order to survive, i was not able to show true emotions (i had to put forth the ones that i knew were needed for that moment), i now have the wrong "emotions" attached to the wrong feelings that are inside.
most times, i don't know wot it is i am feeling.
i know people are like "what? how can you not, its just.. feelings, emotions... "
i dunno... maybe they don't think that. but i know that when i feel something inside, almost every single person i deal with thinks i am feeling some other way by my words, actions, facial expression, etc.  even those who know me best.
when i look at one of those "how are you feeling" pages, with the different faces... most of the time i am not able to pick them. it confuses me. i sit there trying to match wot is inside me to wot i see. i wasn't supposed to look like wot i felt inside. it was too dangerous.
if i am around people who don't really know me, like when i go out to the shops or appointments, i can put on the "act"... i did it for so many years, i am very good at it...
don't make too much eye contact. respond. smile at the right time. say things that don't elicit more conversation, and certainly don't prompt any questions.
be invisible.
some days i can't pull it off tho. and lately, well, it seems like the harder i am trying to change the thinking in my brain (cognitive therapy), the worse i am at keeping that mask on.
my dv advocate, and the psychologist i used to see, and the one i see now (cause i had to move), say that even if my abuser died today, i still will have the fears, the brainwashing, the distorted thoughts... they aren't going to just poof because he isn't alive and trying to find me to kill me anymore... it's going to take time, and work, to keep getting better.
and so i keep working at it, and keep praying.
and hoping i don't destroy the friendships i am building now.  and maybe someday, i will be healthy enough to think about having a relationship with someone. but, that is in the future... for now... i just gotta do today.