wots up with that?

people must think i am totally maladjusted sometimes. i ask honest questions about friends, emotions... how to "be"... wot is a normal response ... 
i used to be so good at faking it. still am i guess, cause people think i am ok... i think... 
but i don't know how to be natural, to respond or react, most of the time i "act", cause if i feel like someone is getting too close, or they are giving me that look that tells me wot i am saying is not quite "normal" i shut it down... like i used to.. the "every thing is fine" act... make sure no one asks questions.. let them feel comfortable and think i am ok, so they don't worry or get too curious.
the thing is, i can't connect the act with feelings... i can't act and go "ok, this is how this feels, so this is how it should feel to be normal."  because no feelings are attached to it. it's not happy, it's not sad, it's not anything.
i am so engaged in the act, in making sure there are no cracks in the shell, in making sure i have the "right" expression on my face, that i am making enough eye contact (this is sooo hard for me), that i am answering any comments or questions with the exact "right" answer. and so many other things going on inside, mostly anxiety and panic, i don't have time to "feel" anything.
ughhh, i can't even explain it to myself... just trying to put words to it is ridiculous... falls so short of explaining all the things going on in my head that i have to deal with as i am trying to interact with people.
it's terrifying
i heard someone who had gone thru a traumatic experience say, 'i never knew wot it was like to be afraid."
i thought about that... i have thought about it since i heard it... for me....
i don't remember wot it is like to not be afraid.
i am in a constant state of terror.
some moments worse than others, but all the time, every day.
always.. my stomach is flip flopping, my skin feels prickly, i have to make myself take deep breaths... and that is during the not worse times.
in the worse times, i can't think... it is just terror... thru my whole body and mind.
if i hear or witness conflict, fighting, someone yelling at someone else.
if someone comes around a corner.
if someone speaks suddenly
if i hear a door slam
hear a tone of voice
smell something
see a look on a face
hear a helicopter
forget to do something (ha! that is an all day every day thing)
i started a list once, it covered two columns over half a page of notebook paper, college ruled, and that's just wot i thought of off the top of my head, and every day it seems, something else happens that i didn't realize was a trigger... its exhausting.
so many things... every day

emotional junk mail raiding my inbox

i have a few really amazing friends.
they hang in there with me.
but even tho they understand where my emotional garbage is coming from, they can't understand when i act how i do, and i know it throws them when it happens.
their reactions are unique to the individual.
one just acts like it's not happening.
another thinks i am upset with them (even tho wot i am feeling is panic, fear, terror).
because, in order to survive, i was not able to show true emotions (i had to put forth the ones that i knew were needed for that moment), i now have the wrong "emotions" attached to the wrong feelings that are inside.
most times, i don't know wot it is i am feeling.
i know people are like "what? how can you not, its just.. feelings, emotions... "
i dunno... maybe they don't think that. but i know that when i feel something inside, almost every single person i deal with thinks i am feeling some other way by my words, actions, facial expression, etc.  even those who know me best.
when i look at one of those "how are you feeling" pages, with the different faces... most of the time i am not able to pick them. it confuses me. i sit there trying to match wot is inside me to wot i see. i wasn't supposed to look like wot i felt inside. it was too dangerous.
if i am around people who don't really know me, like when i go out to the shops or appointments, i can put on the "act"... i did it for so many years, i am very good at it...
don't make too much eye contact. respond. smile at the right time. say things that don't elicit more conversation, and certainly don't prompt any questions.
be invisible.
some days i can't pull it off tho. and lately, well, it seems like the harder i am trying to change the thinking in my brain (cognitive therapy), the worse i am at keeping that mask on.
my dv advocate, and the psychologist i used to see, and the one i see now (cause i had to move), say that even if my abuser died today, i still will have the fears, the brainwashing, the distorted thoughts... they aren't going to just poof because he isn't alive and trying to find me to kill me anymore... it's going to take time, and work, to keep getting better.
and so i keep working at it, and keep praying.
and hoping i don't destroy the friendships i am building now.  and maybe someday, i will be healthy enough to think about having a relationship with someone. but, that is in the future... for now... i just gotta do today.