wots up with that?

people must think i am totally maladjusted sometimes. i ask honest questions about friends, emotions... how to "be"... wot is a normal response ... 
i used to be so good at faking it. still am i guess, cause people think i am ok... i think... 
but i don't know how to be natural, to respond or react, most of the time i "act", cause if i feel like someone is getting too close, or they are giving me that look that tells me wot i am saying is not quite "normal" i shut it down... like i used to.. the "every thing is fine" act... make sure no one asks questions.. let them feel comfortable and think i am ok, so they don't worry or get too curious.
the thing is, i can't connect the act with feelings... i can't act and go "ok, this is how this feels, so this is how it should feel to be normal."  because no feelings are attached to it. it's not happy, it's not sad, it's not anything.
i am so engaged in the act, in making sure there are no cracks in the shell, in making sure i have the "right" expression on my face, that i am making enough eye contact (this is sooo hard for me), that i am answering any comments or questions with the exact "right" answer. and so many other things going on inside, mostly anxiety and panic, i don't have time to "feel" anything.
ughhh, i can't even explain it to myself... just trying to put words to it is ridiculous... falls so short of explaining all the things going on in my head that i have to deal with as i am trying to interact with people.
it's terrifying
i heard someone who had gone thru a traumatic experience say, 'i never knew wot it was like to be afraid."
i thought about that... i have thought about it since i heard it... for me....
i don't remember wot it is like to not be afraid.
i am in a constant state of terror.
some moments worse than others, but all the time, every day.
always.. my stomach is flip flopping, my skin feels prickly, i have to make myself take deep breaths... and that is during the not worse times.
in the worse times, i can't think... it is just terror... thru my whole body and mind.
if i hear or witness conflict, fighting, someone yelling at someone else.
if someone comes around a corner.
if someone speaks suddenly
if i hear a door slam
hear a tone of voice
smell something
see a look on a face
hear a helicopter
forget to do something (ha! that is an all day every day thing)
i started a list once, it covered two columns over half a page of notebook paper, college ruled, and that's just wot i thought of off the top of my head, and every day it seems, something else happens that i didn't realize was a trigger... its exhausting.
so many things... every day